Things are going quite well...well, not really quite well..nothing bad happens now, which is good I guess..Been thinking about this sentence: "If it's right and it's good for your people, then do it no matter what." It sets me thinking alot.. I guess in my years as a leader..I think I failed as a leader...I don't think I did enough for my people and there were many times where I think I did not try hard enough to motivate or encourage or do my part as a leader..I could have been a better leader had I learned faster...and there were also times when I put personal stuff with work..the time to step down is so near..I really don't want to give up my position but I know that I have to..I would really miss the pressure and the stress of being a leader..I'll miss being busy..haiz...

Sometimes I miss the dark days where I feel...numb...because even when I feel numb, I felt secure..nothing could hurt me because I'm just so numb..but now, it's hard to be numb again..and that's when I get paranoid and upset and it all starts over again..plus..being that way sets me thinking and puts me in pressure where I can work better..

School controls my emotions, I suddenly realize that..almost literally, know what I mean? Maybe you don't...whatever..talking to myself now..anyway..in school, there is hardly any time to be paranoid or very upset at all because there are people around me and that distracts me from whatever I've been thinking, good in a way, bad in another..all things have their good and bad points..I hate the masks, don't know how to take them down..everytime I'm in school, a new mask is placed, what am I doing? Heck..I shouldn't be swearing but I can't help it..need to recollect myself, think time's going too fast for me to catch up..

I think I write too much stuff here..oughtn't do that..makes me feel so exposed to people..whatever..I feel ignored now..haiz..no one at home to entertain..don't know who can entertain me that is..sometimes I wonder why do people want to make friends with me? Why do people like me? What do they see in me? And why do people choose me to be a leader?

And I wonder why I write such pointless stuff down too...

- #67

Today's first day of school..the bloody blister caused me to limp so much..man..it hurts to walk..and I have to walk home later for 30 minutes from the tuition centre..

Didn't finish my social studies at all..so chiong through it, haha..managed to pass it up to Shuk Wai..now to finish the notes..so many notes..haiz...think I'll sleep very very late today..oh no..must have ample supplies of tea in hand to drink..lots of water too..remember to excercise as well..haiz...tomorrow's lessons are pretyy heavy..anyway..today's mostly talks and more talks from the teachers..heard Miss Lim the VP or Miss Chua our internal VP will be teaching us maths together with Mrs Heng..our PE teacher is changed to Mr Andrew Poh..what the..whatever..wonder if his lessons would be fun..heh..maybe he'll say something like "raise your foot pointing in east-west direction at 60 degrees from the floor.." hahahaha..not funny..not funny at all..heh, what rots am I talking about sia..hmm..not sure about tomorrow though..lessons should be starting soon..then homeworks will start pouring in..

Just found out that my o level chinese orals is next tues..die...so so dead..must start speaking Chinese again to get use to it..

To happier notes..today Ms Kang made us write notes of appreciation to anyone in class..got three...made one for Martina..hope she reads it and takes it seriously..I hope she doesn't continue doing it to herself..so..here are what the notes said:

Xueling: Why are you so nice and calm all the time?But stay that way... (Haha..if you do know me..you'll realize I'm not calm and nice all the time..but thanks anyway..)

Celestine: Had a great time with you during mother tongue drills. I guess I've seen a side of you that I had never seen before. I think you're a great person. You'll do well in life.
(Heh..thanks girl..what side did you see of me anyway? The talkative side? Heh..everyone tells me that too, that I will do well in life..not sure if I'm capable of that at all myself though..)

Lu-anne: Hello! Thank you for being our responsible math rep! Although I do not talk to you often, I recognise that you are a diligent girl tha tis capable of good results. Do well for your Chinese orals ok? Wishing you the best of luck!
(How could you say that I'm a responsible math rep??Being a math rep is something that I've never thought I would become because I just..don't like the job from the start..but I'm ok with it now though..Heh..thanks for the note..it was really unexpected..)

Yupyup..that's all the notes..I've also taken time nowadays to thank people, ought to be more appreciative..

Hmm..remembered cartan's nickname, something along the lines of "Just because someone does not love you the way you want him/her to doesn't mean that he/she does not love you with all his/her heart."...so, finally sorted some stuff out which took me a month to think through..and because of THAT stuff..been crying a lot during June, wonder why it affects me so darn much..life's ups and downs are because of relationships, that's very very true..yup..but got things sorted out..shouldn't doubt it anymore and don't feel so insecure already..I guess it's time to look ahead..a brand new term..I hope it brings good things..


- #67

Today's the last day of school holidays and my parents' anniversary...what the hell..because I've got homework, I can't celebrate it with them...Jeez, I feel really really guilty now...ok..so maybe it is my fault that I should have had like finished my homework earlier, don't know why I slacked so much that I've become like this..think I've grown over-confident of myself..need to buck up seriously..dreading tomorrow, haiz..can I just get food poisoning, loose at least 5 kg then come back to school? Bah! Whatever! Don't want to think about this anymore..

Anyway, many things have happened this June..it's been eventful yet so..awful as well...hope to learn from my lessons this month and pick myself up for o levels..hope I can do it..

Got some personal msgs to ppl here:

Cartan: I think of all ppl I've known in my entire life, you are the one that knows me best, almost inside out. Sometimes that fact scares me alot because I've never let anyone get so close to me..still, thanks for always being there and understanding me when I guess most others don't..stay cheerful always!

Mei Yi: Been my friend for 10 years, it's a sort of on-off, ups and downs kind of relationship...Our thinkings have always clashed with the other and we've been quarelling for so many times..haha..that brightens up my life a lot..all good can't be good at all, there must be some bad stuff in it I guess..know what I mean? Haha..I value your opinions a lot because you are very sharp and observant..more than me anyway..minusing the blur part too..haha...thanks for talking to me and I hope we stay as friends even after we graduate.

Si Hui: Baby Piggy!! Haha..you gave me confidence and bring me back the long lost passion in myself to go out and help others..I'm honoured you see me as your pillar of strength..Thanks for all the words of comfort and the moments where we know we can count on each other because we're going through the same things..I've never felt more than relief to have you as a friend..don't forget, you can always talk to me if you want, I'm never to busy to be a listening ear..

Amanda Loy: Hey lil sis..haha..known you for like only a few months and we've grown...pretty close...like BP, you helped me find that passion I used to have to help others...guess I must have had buried that somewhere deep inside during those awful, lonely moments...I'm glad I'm of some help to you, and I can sincerely and genuinely tell you this: you've taught me alot and I guess I'm still learning from you..this proves that it's never too late to learn anything..haha..thanks anyway..if you have any problems, you can always come to me yarh? My door is always open..

Minfeng: How time flies and we're actually friends..I used to dislike you back then but you know, my perception changed when we were in com.team..I got to know you better, thanks for opening up to me..You ought to open up yourself more..I know it feels scary and vulnerable..but I've been there and still am there...I realize that once you open up yourself, you'll find people loving you, honestly..well..I've never regretted knowing you as a friend, rock on k?

XV: Wonder if you'll ever read this diary?Wow..been friends for almost 2, 3 years? You've never failed to make my day..thank you for that!When I'm with you, my imagination can run free..I can be childish, I can be immature and powerful and weak and...imagination is just such a powerful thing, don't you agree?? I hope we stay in touch and continue to play the childish games we've always played..haha..thank you for being my friend and victim of all my torturing!

Patrina: Wonder if you read this...oh well..hmm..I wonder if you were shocked at my aberration this month...I don't blame you if you do,haha...thanks for being there to listen to me trash some pointless things out..thanks for trying to cheer me up though it doesn't really...work all the time..haha..thanks for taking me to church, I wouldn't have had said that prayer if I didn't know about all these things...yup..overall, thanks for being my friend..stay funky!

Think that's about all..Haiz...Wish me luck for tomorrow..I hope nothing bad happens..

- #67

Today's service was becoming a person of influence, to do so, one part is to share your life with others. Be vulnerable..hence that's what I'm doing in this blog I guess...funny I'm writing longer and longer, and I'm expressing everything so openly...

Was in a pretty bad mood..one reason was because I was late to meet the others to go HQ today...it always happen to me when I tell someone "Don't be late" before the actual day, haiz..then anyway, went there, Thomas Sir kind of like accused us..On Thursday we went for public duty, after that someone reported that the first aiders were unsure of their work and that they are from SAC...I was totally angry..I had wanted to argue but..I don't know, something held me back..part of me know that no matter what, he is still a sir and that I need to respect him..honestly, I'm just so confuse now..what do I think of him? Does he have a grudge against SAC when he told us that he never has a grudge against any school and that he was friends with an officer in SAC for many many years...I guess I need time to work this out..

Funny how easy AFA was..why? Wierd..and there I was the previous day, freaking myself out...

Anyway, went to meet some friends of Evania's...he's very quiet..can't stand him..too quiet..quite tall..looks nerdy..in total: not my kind.

Heh..haha..yarh..took neoprints which I look disgusting in it..haiz..and comparing me now and me then, I used to be so much more photogenic when I was younger, no traces of tireness, no eyebags..no practice smiles..haiz...My eyes are too big too..they're so big that they look very very freaky...ee..speaking about having freaky eyes..

Man..looking at Evania now kind of reminds me of when I was younger then..I have 3 ex-steads...the longest one lasts for about 6 months and the shortest 3 days..hehe, in fact, there was a rumour once that I had 10 boyfriends at a go...rite...like why would I be so desperate? Kk, I know it's very unlike me but I tend to lead people on and toy with their feelings later on..I shouldn't do that..haiz..luckily I stopped liao..guess I settled down and matured and all..though there were times when I wish I did have a stead so that...well, I wouldn't be left out by my cousins..that's how I feel anyway.But I know that wouldn't be fair to the other party..so I didn't do that..anyway, being single is better since there is power to choose with whom you want to be with, no troubles in wanting to see the other everyday and stuff like that...also no feelings of insecurity, not that much anyway...yup..being single is good....:D

Read the entry "Blue" and have been thinking about what I wrote...I wonder why I've become so dependent on people..it seems that I can't depend on myself much...why? Feel rather insecure..I hate it when I'm not in control... Found out that all the cards and stuff that me and Beel used to make to give to my mom are hidden in my cupboard..wow..I'm just so, so honoured and happy...hehe...yet..so sad too...haiz..read "blue" and I guess you'll know why...why have I been so blind and stubborn to all these? Why can't I just cherish my time more and not be so impulsive and hurtful? I need to stop having the feeling of hurting someone as badly as one has hurt me..

Anyway, couldn't concentrate during service...service was..yarh..about visions and stuff, so area gathering was something close to that too..the worship team in area gathering wasn't as good though..still, that's ok I guess..anyway, here is what I'm going to do from July till December and my resolutions:

Spend 20 minutes everyday with God
Finish reading the New Testaments when December comes.

Resolutions:

1)Grow closer to God
2)Do community work e.g. mission trip
3)Take people to church
4)CCA standard to go up like previous times if possible..
5)Do my best for exams (like duh right?)
6)Get into a ministry
7)Lastly, to get over some things and find answers...

I had visions that came true...when I was young, I kept praying that I would have friends whom I feel comfortable with and who likes me for who I really am..

Yup, and it did come true, I have friends now that are very close to me...

I also used to have a vision to be "powerful"in school...and here I am as a Head of a council...

I used to have visions of opening up more..and I find myself doing that now...Visions do come true, though it takes a long time...

Hmm..speaking of church, something shocking happened!!I realize that I was suddenly shorter than Patrina when I was hugging her!!THE HORRORS!!!WHY HAVE I SUDDENLY SHRUNK!!!Ay..whatever..was crapping away..very tired now..haha..fell asleep many times while doing this darn entry..haha..hmm..it's gotta be the shoes I wore that made me so short..that or it's the shoes she was wearing then..whatever it is..I hate being that short..

Ugh..still have homework..so darn many homework to complete...haiz...bless me if I don't die of stress soon...

- #67

Woke up at 10.30 am today..haha..Just slept like a pig throughout the day but felt quite dizzy when I woke up and felt that way till I started to walk to school..

The performances were quite good, I think the best performance was the dance girls. Though the primary school ballet wasn't as good with bad hands, no turn out, no point toes, no straight legs..haiz...but the jazz dance was very good yupyup..haha..nice costumes and stuff like that..the lightning wasn't that good though..they didn't shine at the dancers, more like the audiences so the stage was pretty dark...

Then someone suddenly poked me from the back..I thought it was Patrina or Minfeng or one of my classmates since they sometimes do that to me..but it was..erm...someone who knows me but I don't know her...I just stared at her and wonder who she is..then she smiled at me and so I just acted excited and waved at her and said hi...she looks familiar..but yet unfamiliar too..who is she? And she seems to know me quite well too...

Anyway..towards the end, Mei Yi and Amanda Pang went...insane...just because Patrina poked Cartan, they decided to take their revenge by...erm..grabbing her butt...haha..but it was pretty hilarious..haha..kk, being mean..

Just for some ppl's info, I AM STRAIGHT!! What is wrong with your thinking anyway??I'm NOT anyone's stead!!For further prove, I think Charlie from Busted is very cute! There! Ain't that prove that I'm straight?? ( But just in case you think so, no, I don't have a crush on him..)

Oh no!!AFA tml and still haven't studied...I'm like so so dead...I'm going to fail my theory and my bandaging..and my CPR because I just can't do the chest compressions hard enough to be 5-6 cm and so I'm like gonna ruin my reputation of performing the second best CPR during zone competition..argh!!What to do? I lead a sad life, don't I?Haha..kk, shan't self-pity here but I can't help it cause right now there's no one to complain to...my parents are watching Cinderella, Beel's having bbq, all the others are probably not at home yet..bah! Whatever!Hmph! Shall just go talk to myself and be deemed as mentally challenged and ill...

Am bored now because I don't feel like studying my first aid...so decided to do this instead:

1. FIRST NAME: Cindy

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Erm...the moon?

3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No and never will...

4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My third finger perhaps..since I wear a ring there..haha..

5. WHEN DID YOU CRY LAST? Erm...a few days ago..for some reason..

6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's ok..can be improved but don't know how..haha..

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? lunch meat??Erm...beef is not bad..

8. ANY BAD HABITS? I'm not perfect. And so I sin..haha..hahaha...

9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT? The time when my urmbrella overturned during Sports heats...

10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Erm..I don't know..depending on what person I were to be..

11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Not really..

12. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Erm..yarh..once..

13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Sadly yes..

14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Closing my eyes and counting to ten, ranting to someone, swearing, punching or throwing something (yes..I can get pretty violent at times..)and sometimes crying..

15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?SACSS..ain't tt sad? Next would be the SJAB HQ...

16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? No..after what happened? No..

17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Erm..*blush* barbie..and I kind of like, still like barbie now..haha..

18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Everything and anything..haha..not really larh..some aren't..like maths, I always passed my maths, I know 1+1=5...

19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yup..isn't this one?

20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Answer written in "about me" and in qns 18..

21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? *checks dictionary* what's that?

22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Character!!And behaviour towards girls..seriously..

23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Plenty..PM, Bimbo asshole, cin, feng feng, Puppy, Ke Dou (tadpole in chinese, don't ask me why my cousins call me that), V-V, C.S., chio bu...shan't name anymore..

24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? sure..if garuanteed hundred percent safe..with a reward after that..

25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on what shoes I'm wearing..

26. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STRONG? Erm..not really larh..

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? "cookies n' cream" and "Rum n' raisin"

28. SHOE SIZE? I don't know..as long as my feet can go into the shoes comfortably, it's fine for me..

29. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? black, pink, purple, orange...

30. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? Uh..which teeth are the wisdom teeth?

31. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? No one..I just met everybody..

33. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Someone washing the floor outside opposite my house...

34. LAST THING YOU ATE? pear.

35. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Mei Yi..

36. ONE THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? They're taller than me?

38. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired and upset becos of tomorrow..

39. FAVORITE DRINK? Many too..usually fruit drinks, barley, Teh ping (?), sugar cane..

40. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I don't really drink alcohol. Even if I did, I would drink rum..

41. FAVORITE SPORTS? Don't have one..

42. HAIR COLOR? Black

43. EYE COLOR? erm...dark brown..

44. DO YOU WEAR EYE CONTACTS? yup.

45. SIBLINGS? A younger sis whom almost everyone thinks is my stead...cos we just don't look alike and she's pretty tomboyish..

46. FAVORITE MONTH? December!!Though has hmwk but no school!!

47 FAVORITE FOOD? Pizza...spaghetti...many many more..

48. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? erm...hmm...ahh..err...good question..

49. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Don't have one..

50. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Depends on who I'm asking out..

51. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? SCARY MOVIES!!dEFINITELY!!

53. HUGS OR KISSES? er..none? Haha..hugs,maybe..

54. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships..duh..

57. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? None currently..haven't been to library yet..

58. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The mouse??

59. FAVORITE BOARD GAMES? Many..Monopoly, Clueless, Scrabble..

60. FAVORITE SMELLS? FOOD!! perfume..not the strong ones though..fruits, flowers,the fresh air...

61. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? "What is my plan for today?"

62. FAVORITE PASTIME? Ermm..I don't know...crapping?

Wahahaha..killed time and now cartan and TQ's online to talk to me..haha..so happy...haha...whatever..

- #67

Tired...so very tired now...how tired? Well, for your information, I fell asleep twice while firstly, checking my mail box and secondly, when I was writing a letter to my friend...haha..but at least June camp's over...my gosh...but homework's still not done yet, got to study for AFA this sat, haiz...must wish me luck...wonder if I can make it? Haha...anyway, yup..let me tell you abt the past few days..

First Day:
Came in 5 minutes late cos I was burning the CD and printing more songs..yup...then I realize that the CD didn't work properly and so...nothing was burned...jeez...wasted my efforts...did training and stuff like that..at night, we were so energentic that we kept awake talking and singing, haha...slept for about 45 minutes only..had a night activity going on actually but as the Staff rm door can't be open, we cldn't get down to the first floor..haha..we wanted to climb down or jump down but decided not to go against Mdm Su's words and plus, it was pretty dangerous too..

Second Day:
Training started to get pretty bad...I had to be harsh in June Camp and torture the juniors and so early in the morning,I've been called "Evil!" by Tennis girls..alrite, so I am evil but that was already considered lenient...I can't help it, you've got to understand it's what is required of a senior, we cannot be lenient with the juniors at all..but nvm, let bygones be bygones, I forgive all of you,haha..Had to attend a lecture by Derek Sir..he and Simon sir were laughing at our every moves, like when Mei Yi and I were talking in the dark, looking at the field, when Minfeng and I were doing the bubble pop thing, haha...wuliao or what...that night,cldn't take the tireness anymore, so all seniors went to sleep..wow...it was like in paradise!!So slept for about 4 hours or so, once in a while woke up to find minfeng cuddling next to me..haha..rite..haha..

Third Day:
Had a pretty unsuccessful campfire..NONE OF THE SEC 1S WERE AFFECTED!!THEY DIN CRY OR THINK OR TALK TOGETHER..THEY DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I WANT TO TELL THEM!!!Haiz..the sec 1s were so enthu to carry me for TOC..haha..but at least they can carry me, haha..ok..haha..The seniors woke up at 6.40am, we're all late for fall in which was at 6.30am...haha...then had MED which was pretty funny but it was rather disappointing since the juniors weren't performing up to our expectations...haiz...anyway, the junior played Police and Thief later on in the day and it was hilarious..hahaha..like how Felicia tried to keep her prisoners but couldn't becos all the seniors made a rule that seniors can free prisoners but cannot be caught..haha..ok, so that rule was rather unfair but it was fun..hehe..oh and how Christabella skipped around Abigail till Amanda Pang caught her and she was so triumphant, haha!KK..haha, had mass tin cooking and dinner was so nice, Xin Yan's a GREAT COOK! The seniors had macaroni in cream of chicken and couple of other side dishes..then the ex-seniors came back and pissed the seniors off, well, pissed me, Mei Yi and Si Hui off..ok, shouldn't be swearing..but jeez..they were totally on our nerves! What do they think we are? Still trainees? Well, we're seniors NOW.But anyway, it's ok, they didn't do anything much, and it's not good to bear grudges too, so haha...fogive ya all yarh? Haha..they hurried and threatened the juniors so in the midst of all the panic, they accidentally used the Tennis girls' cloths and got the tennis girls to be scolded by their teacher as the cloths were very dirty while our mass tins were shiny..so sorry tennis girls, we didn't mean to take the wrong cloths and made them dirty..kk..there was a small snake in the canteen which Mei Mei killed, poor snake..then had campfire...towards the end, the seniors sang "Greatest Love of all" by Whitney but as they weren't very familiar with the song, I had to sing most of it and I couldn't hit the high notes! So sort of like, sang out of tune..haha..erm, like so sorry if my singing was unbearable, haha, I was so nervous singing in front of the cadets..but anyway, we wanted to do our homework but fell asleep instead, so slept on and off for about 3 hours..

4th day:
Many things, good and bad happened...it was tiring to rush home then rush back again..Had public duty in Kallang Stadium where SYF was having a full dress rehearsal, not many casualities at all but quite fun anyway..We had to meet Chang Bao sir, he ain't as bad as I thought he was...then got to know this 2 guys from Macpherson..they were pretty awkward around us maybe becos there's a diff b/w girls from co-ed sch and girls frm girls sch as their school girls were VERY QUIET but me, Cheryl, Mei Yi and Cartan were like holding hands, talking, laughing, joking, being lame, the usual routine...and we were quite lost and so being pretty irritating..haha. got to thank those two guys for tolerating with us, haha..though your behaviour is totally hurting, your patience with us made it up I guess..haha..shall not bear any grudges against you ppl..haha...why am I so forgiving today? Whatever..

Anyway, starting from the beginning of Thursday, we were late in going to the HQ so naturally, the ambulance left w/o us..called Gary sir who was either really busy or acting busy cos he wouldn't answer most of our calls, Cheryl was totally fed up with him. Luckily met this driver called Mr Teo whom we know as he had once drived the ambulance for our public duty like the Canossian Walkathon and stuff like that..then out came Prof..Ho? I think so..dont' think he recognises me and Cartan as we were in the Sinmal team and he did came once in a while to speak to us and encourage us..very high ranking person...and what really made my bad day then was the passion he had for us young ppl, when he saw us, his whole face lit up in joy and he asked us what we were doing, whether we had eaten lunch and even wanted to pay for our lunch! Then he told us not to worry as he would get Uncle Teo to drive us to the Indoor Stadium and that we should get some rest as we had just break camp..thank you so much for caring sir, wish I could do something to express this gratitude to you..haiz..why can't the whole world just be like him??Anyway, reached there and made our presence known...the other first aiders kept away from us, they don't want to talk to us or have anything to do with us, you could tell from their faces..why? Hmph! Whatever..then..the yellow De Yi ppl thought, in fact many ppl thought that all of us were lower sec cadets since we look like lower sec ppl, they were pretty rude to us and mocked us by saluting and laughing...so I said "Fuck it" pretty loudly for them to hear..Cartan was staring at me in disbelief since I'm not suppose to swear..haha..but still..they got on my nerves..I swore a lot on Thursday..and Cartan was saying something about I could have had just said fish or freak but I said the actual word so I said quite loudly too "Why can't I just say fuck?"..haha..felt better after I swore like anything..I miss swearing, honestly...haha...anyway, the show was pretty good esp the military band competition!!The first was De Yi, wasn't really impressive but it was ok..the second was Ping Yi and Springfield combine and the commander was so talented!!He could toss his...his...stick? Or something in the air and catch it all the time..he did that for like,close to ten times or something? All of us were marvelling in his skill haha...TKSS wasn't too bad but the commander kept dropping his "stick"..I think Bowen will win this year though the commander didn't do much, he didn't twirl his stick but the whole piece which was a series of songs, were very very good, they included Linkin Park's "Numb"! Wow..really opened up my eyes, haha..then when me and Cartan was running through Gate 1 to go up the stairs, someone grabbed my arm, as in literally grabbed my arm. I thought it was an officer or something but it was Jeremy!!Haha..I didn't know he was involved in SYF but realized that he no longer was in SJAB since he graduated last year...wow..haha, now I missed the Sinmal gang, where in the world can you find ppl that are gentlemens and friendly? Haha..went back to HQ and asked the shop sir whether we could exchange the old ranks for new ones but he was so rude that I got totally angry, plus I was very tired so I just rolled my eyes, said something sarcastic which I can't remember what and walked out of the place, slamming the door behind me...I wish I could stay in and say some really crude and sarcastic remarks but since we had our school uniforms on, I thought better not to do it... home then had to get this entry done..it nearly killed me...

This is a seriously long entry..haha..k, guess I'll stop now with a couple of msgs for some ppl.

Wonder if you ppl would read this but still, here's what I want to say:

Sec 3s : Wee..it's time for you to take over liao, haha..I've seen how you've settled down and open yourselves up..how close we've grown since you first came into the SJAB family...you've all got the potential to be a great leader, all you need to do is to dig that up inside of you..though the starting road is rocky and will always be, things will get better as you learn from your mistakes..anytime you need help, feel free to ask us down yarh? As long as there is chocolates, we'll definitely come down to help...Haha..Joking..haha..

Sec 2s : My first batch of juniors under me..I've seen you grown from a very broken up group which despises and backstabs one another to a group which has seemingly grown closer to one another and to your seniors. I've seen your standard pulling up and I believe with enough effort and perseverence, you can win back our trophy for this year's zonal com. Yupyup, I'm with you guys all the way, so don't give up no matter how hard it may seem to face the next day!

Sec 1s: My current and last batch of juniors..haha..though you may still be the freshmen, the blurrest and ununited bunch, with time, I'm sure you can be like your seniors. Please give them the same respect as you have given us sec 4s..listen to them and settle down more..learn to listen and obey rather than do things yourself. Rmb, to be a leader, one must be a servant first. No one is a born leader and no one is born to be served. Everyone will serve and be served at one point of time..if you have any problems or something, feel free to talk to me..I think you've really taught me lots of things, though you've made me feel very stressed and insecure at times..still..the world would be a very dull place without all these negative feelings yarh? Continue to strive for higher achievements and build a thirst for perfection. Do put whatever you learn in SJAB to use in actual events. I hope you would be able to share the passion I have as a first aider and joy of helping others. Rmb the SJAB motto: Service to Mankind!

Mei Yi, Si Hui, Cartan, Cheryl, Minfeng: I think we've put in our best in passing down knowledge to our juniors, we oughtn't doubt ourselves of that. I don't think anyone's a failure here cause we are an ambitious batch of ppl, perhaps too ambitious that is..guess I'll miss all the times where we had to scream and punish the juniors (rmb the pushups we had to do? And the Police and Thief game?), the times when the juniors had made us very proud and the times they made our days, the times we had to stay up late and wake up to find that we've drooled all over our homework because we fell asleep on the table..yucks..haha...I'll also miss you guys who have been supporting me in times I really thought I was alone..and I'm more than happy to give you my support when you needed too..let's learn from our mistakes and take with us the unforgettable memories as we leave SAC this year..

- #67

It's been very bad for me nowadays...I'm worried about June camp...what are the ex-seniors gonna say when they see the sec 1s standard? Am I like so going to die? And the fact that I'll be sleeping only about 2 hours a night for 3 nights...Is it my fault? I think they chose the wrong person as a platoon leader...on top of this insecurity, is it my fault that I become this way? The fact that I'm losing who I was last time, what I used to believe and what I used to always fight for...what do I fight for last time? I forgot how it's like to be carefree...the fact that now I'm SO DAMN DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE!! I feel so so weak...it's like I can't even pick myself up when I fall down, just sit there and cry and cry and hope I die...that's what I used to do anyway..Want to know what's scaring me? It's not the seniors' scolding, it's not the hectic schedule for next term, what's scary is how I cling onto my relationships so tightly that when something happens, I get paranoid..it's how I realize I can so easily slip back to who I was back then before I met cartan and Mei Yi and really made friends...it's so scary..the fact that I can just go back from my words, pick up a knife and hurt myself, oh gosh..now I'm scared of the potential I have in myself, the violence and the dark thoughts, why have I grown to be this way? I tried to stop, I tried to forget all about this and start anew and make friends and be happy and be who I am...but who am I? I don't know, I don't know and I don't seem to find the answer at all...Sometimes I don't even recognise myself...sometimes I just stare at the mirror and wonder who is the person staring back my me...sometimes I see myself, I have a strong urge to punch myself in the face because I hate myself...Why must I relapse back to where I was standing before I move on...Don't know what is going on now and just before camp, this just had to happen..

I had an argument with my mum today...she blamed me for not going for ballet class and told me that I am not to go for church anymore. PMS or what? Then I couldn't think of anything to do to honour God even though it's Father's day because I've been studying and studying and trying to complete my homework! I didn't even celebrate father's day with my dad!!And I feel very remorseful for that...guilty is but an understatement...I'm sorry, I really am sorry..

Why can't I go to church? Why can't it be that I not go for ballet class instead of not going to church? Is it because of money? Then why can't she just ask me to work?? I can work and I don't mind working, even if I'm heading to my own grave! I've only got that few pathetic hours to learn and worhip God...Why must she deprived me for that even when she herself is a christian and once encouraged me to go to church?? It's so hard to argue in Chinese so I just gave up halfway..I shouldn't have..she probably think she won the argument...

Ok, so maybe not going for ballet class today was my fault...but have you any idea how lonely it is to go there myself and come back home myself? Have you any idea how alienated I feel in my class? I'm not someone who is very expressive and dancing has never been my flair...but it is my compassion for about 10 years now...I used to be so eager to be a professional dancer but I think that dream died somehow...who can successfully be a dancer in Singapore? And how long can I actually dance? Just half an hour of pointe can caused a sprained ankle, and to take advance? Wouldn't I be breaking my ankle then?

I want to quit ballet, yet I don't want to give up on what I used to love so much back then...what is happening now? Why must everything be this way just when I'm going for camp? I'm so scared I will not be able to hold myself up anymore,I'm scared that I will break down in front of the juniors..I'm not suppose to aren't I? I'm suppose to be a role model to them..but what's the point of all these actings that I've put on for so long? I don't think I can keep on acting till I die...But why is it that I can't, for once, not argue with my mum before I go for camp? Someone please answer me these: Is it my fault I am the way I am now? Is it my fault that council is so pathetic? Is it my fault that my family had to be like this? Is it my fault that I hurt so many people? Is it my fault that the sec 1s are not up to standard? Is it my fault for relapsing back?Haiz...I don't want to think of this anymore.

- #67

**I wonder if you will one day stumble upon here though I seriously doubt so...but if you do, this is what I've always wanted to say to you for a very very long time ago...It's not that I don't love you, I do, I really do but we've been drifting apart these past years and I've been wondering why...Sometimes I just wish we could patch back together and so I try to find time to spend time with you, to know you more because fragile is man..I'm sorry, I'm sorry for rejecting down your offers to spend time with you so much so that the only things you're closest to is your mother and the electronics...Yes, I don't share your taste for your kinds of movies...but that doesn't mean that I treat you as a stranger..in fact it's been bugging me the fact that you and grandma are like living in your own world, home becomes a sort of battleground for grandma and mom, my sister and mom and my sister and grandma...Your days are probably numbered already and I'm trying to cherish whatever time I have with you but it's hurtful to know that the family just can't get along...esp grandma and mom, they tend to backstab each other and I hate that...I despise that and I'm very very hurt by that, so much that sometimes I wish I'd die so that I don't have to face it anymore but I know suicide is a sin...Sometimes when I look through photo albums, I can't help but cry..when I compare you then and you now, I realize how many wrinkles there are on your face and how tired you look..is it because of me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry but I know sorry would not mend what I've done to you...But what I want you to know is that there are many times when I've looked into your eyes and know how hurt you are inside..I feel the same way too even if I seem very unaffected by it, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, having you as a father is the best thing that has ever happened to me...I rejoice in that and I thank the Lord for that...I'm scared of the day when you would leave me...I'm scared I am unable to make you proud of me...I'm scared that I'm not what you want me to be...For all the effort that you've put into me, for the unconditional love and the mercy and for pampering me and for tolerating the times when I must have hurt you like anything, I wish I could just hurt myself so that you will never be hurt again, to replace you in times of hardship so that you would not suffer, and ultimately to send you to heaven to live a happier life where all your wishes and dreams will come true..I know I may not be able to say what I've written here to you face to face but if there is a second chance, I pray that we would be close and that even as we leave, there is ease that the other is happy...I'm sorry for not being able to celebrate this occasion even though I celebrated Mother's day...but from my heart,Happy Father's Day..**

Feeling bored...it's like this is the second entry for the day...This sounds very maniacal and demonic...but..rest assured I'm not that kind of person...

~*Oh my love,pls dun cry,
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life..
I ripped out his throat and called you on the telephone to
Take off my disguise, just in time to hear you cry,
When you, you mourn the death of your bloody valentine,
The night he died.
You mourn the death of your bloody valentine one last time, singing,
Oh my love, pls dun cry.
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life.
I don't know much at all,
I don't know wrong from right.
All I know is that I love you tonight.
There was police and flashing lights,
The rain came down so hard that night
And the headlines read," A lover died",
No tell-tale was left to find when you
You mourn the death of your bloody valentine,
The night he died.
You mourn the death of your bloody valentine one last time,
Singing,
Oh my love, pls dun cry.
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life.
I don't know much at all,
I dont' know wrong from right.
All I know is that I love you tonight...
He dropped you off, I followed him home,
Then I stood outside his bedroom window.
Standing over him, he begged me not to do,
But I knew I had to do cause I'm so in love with you.
Oh my love, pls dun cry.
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life.
I don't know much at all,
I don't know wrong from right.
All I know is that I love you tonight...*~

"Bloody Valentine" by Good Charlotte

- #67

Service started wif a couple of songs which I didn't know so I tried pathetically to sing along and clap to the beat of the song, haha...wonder if I did well? Haha...on second thoughts, I really don't want to know..

As things got better and the songs get more familiar..Pastor Joyce took that time to announce about me saying the prayer after the 2nd session of Youth Alpha. I was really surprise she would announce tt..I didn't know she was that happy about me saying the prayer, honestly...I was totally, seriously, utterly embarrassed...well, not that exaggerated though..and for a while I was thinking no one would know it was me...then it hit me that some ppl knew it was me after all...Haha..k, I should be more realistic especially during June Camp...

Today's session was a pretty...personal one..especially towards the end...Although Pastor David was a great preacher who makes us laugh half the time while during the other half we were trying to understand what he's talking about, I think the service is one of the times that impacted me a lot. It was about becoming a person of influence, a continuation of Becoming a Person of Influence.

One of the things that set me thinking was this: We are put on Earth to influence others. Does that have any connection to God's purpose for us is to spread his words and bring more people back to him? I guess in a way it does...now I really experience what Pastor Martin ( I think) was talking about the other day - Evangelism. The teasing of Jesus and the patience needed for Evangelism...shan't point out names whatsoever...just that I'm surprise a person who claims to be a Christian would ridicule the fact that Jesus loves all of us so much that he died for us...

Getting away from this stuff...

In Eph 2:10, it is written "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Is this what people called fate since God knew all about us even before we were born? So in other words, does fate really exist? This line also proves that there is such a thing called Destiny, and I guess it's up to us to find what our purpose in life is. I spent some time reading Micah 6:6-8 and Matthew 7:7-12 but....I'm still confuse...

Haha...speaking of Eph, here's the funny part: I spend about half an hour trying to find Eph in the Old Testament before I realize that it was actually in the New Testament..haha..kk TQ..I guess you can return to calling me a bimbo again, haha..

*Arhem* Gee...has anyone besides me realize that I've been demoralizing myself a lot lately? But I've decided that I shan't swear and so I didn't swear at all in this entry! Wow..that's an improvement...

There are a couple of other msgs tt were really important but I'm rushing to meet my own deadline to finish as much homework as possible before camp next monday...

Honestly, I don't know how to survive next week and the subsequent half of the year...can I just jump off a building?

Nah..what if I didn't hit the ground hard enough and still survived? I should just shoot myself but there's no gun...slash? But too messy...my poor family members would have to clean up all the blood around me...drown? too slow...hang? No rope...is ruffia string strong enough to support me? But again...I can't hang anywhere in my house since there's nowhere for me to hang myself at all...haiz...why is it that I can't even suicide??? Any other suggestions on how I can kill myself? Poison!!But...there's no poison in my house...

I live a very miserable life...I shouldn't be self-pitying but I can't help it..stressed! I'm thinking of running away when the ex-seniors come to see us for June Camp...but our school is too small to successfully hide anywhere...and I don't have a very good excuse to skip the camp...Whats more, I'm way behind schedule for the sec ones..they just don't seem to be learning..is it because I'm not a good platoon leader? Or am I too lenient with them? Or I didn't motivate them enough? Or...is it their fault they can't remember anything much? Haiz...yup...I live a very miserable life...Please pray for me before I do something foolish. Oh no..I'm getting paranoid...I ought to keep my cool...

- #67

Has anyone realize how damn hectic our next half of the year is???Tutorials everyday, science prac then mock exam every Sat...jeez...I know it's for our own good, but WHAT ARE WE?? SOME STUDYING MACHINE????

And what is wrong with Mrs Loh?? Or Miss Wu??Can't we even choose NOT to go for the Arts Alive Preview?? I want to go for Youth Alpha!!!*throws tantrum*

Whatever...man, am I getting too childish or what?

Haha...should have recorded down Charmaine's face when she read my letter...she was giving me the 'are you lame or are you lame?!' look. hehe, can't blame her, I was being damn lame in the letter, haha...

Hmm...why do people sin? I guess for several reasons, yupyup...and why does God allows sin? Well...my opinion is that it's not God's fault that we are sinners...Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and hence, they are able to see good and evil...I guess becos of that, even before eating, they have a choice whether to sin or to obey...like all of us here yarh?

Haha..hmm...should have added slacking, laziness and swearing in my list of the sins that I struggle with most...haiz...

Am so not looking forward to June camp...I don't want ex-seniors down!! How stress am I going to be sia...what with all the homework to do...haiz...


Filming was fine...kinda...simple, but ok..we sang 'The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Housten. Ms Kang sang tt in last year's Teacher's Day, yupyup..haha..such a nice song!

~*I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride, to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be and so I learn to depend on me
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me,
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all*~

"Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Housten

- #67

Flipped through some photo albums today. My gosh, when I compare myself now and myself when I was younger...I totally don't look alike. Well, I do..but not very alike.

For one thing, my eyes were nicer then. For another, I don't have eyebags...I look so much more refreshed, you know...not so tired and weighed down and pessimistic as I am now...in a way...yup. Haiz...wish I was a child again, I suddenly missed my grandpa though I've never met him. My paternal grandfather died when I was in K2 and my maternal grandfather died way before my mom was married...how does it feel like to have grandfathers?

Maybe I feel very connected to my paternal grandpa because he was the one that chose my chinese name and everyone had said that of all his grandchildren, he had adored me the most...wow...and now I can't revel in that love...haiz...seriously seriously so saddening..

Next week I'll be having a VERY FULL schedule, wonder if I can make it? I should be able to, like I always do every year...

~*Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
(In the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried,
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time
when I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, to lose it all
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this, there’s only one thing you should know...*~

"In the End" by Linkin Park

Haha...don't know why I took a sudden liking to this song today, was listening on it through the CD. I hope the filming goes well..

- #67

Don't know what to write here so decided to use songs to convey my moods...

~*Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need you to go

Don't stay
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need to be alone

Don't stay
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)

I don't need you anymore, don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day of you wasting me away
I don't need you anymore, I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies

Don't stay
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)
Forget our memories, forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and don't stay)*~

"Don't stay" by Linkin Park

- #67

Don't feel like doing my homework today, yet I know I should because I have to finish my work by this week.

Has anyone heard of one pressurizing and threatening oneself? Cause I've never heard of such things but here I am doing so..

I hope I have the perseverance to carry on for the next half of the year and that nothing stupid crosses my mind and such.

//Don't know why it hurts inside,
This craving that cannot be satisfied.
The paranoia! I cannot go against time.
How do I put down this burden of mine?//

Something I came up with on the spot...made me sound like some suicidal person, jeez...Oh, the irony of what I just said, haha...But I had to get some brain juice flowing around because I fear dementia.

Haha..joking...like it would occur at my age..

- #67

Today was the first day I had to wake up really early just to get to school by 9am for com training...haiz..now so tired..

I guess it was my tireness that led to me being upset earlier on and so I just kept quiet and try to crack my brain for case scenerios...Though I had fun watching the sec 3s do case...haha..

Got maths tuition but I learned alot! That's really really good...walked for about 30 minutes to the damn house but because of that and because of sugar, I'm damn hyper now!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Rite...

Argh...still got school tomorrow..

- #67

Haha..went Borders and got 2 new books by Dean Koontz..if you haven't read his books, I suggest you do cos he's one of the most daring authors who dares to explore the darkest sides of imagination, yupyup..haha...I'm a huge fan of Horror..

Anyway, then went to Isetan to buy this navy skirt by OP. It's suppose to be $36.50 but was reduced to a mere $10!! Can you believe it??Haha..actually wanted to buy a white with blue threads skirt but it was white in colour, then a bit risky yarh? So decided on the navy skirt, so sweet looking though quite plain...but plain can be nice too no?

Got a new nick from my dear Tomato Queen: Bimbo asshole..wow...she's the first person to call me an asshole, thanks lil sis...haha..now all I need is someone to call me a whore or a slut, haha..*arhem* pardon my rudeness, just can't help it after quite a sucky day..

Bored, bored and am feeling bored now...so decided to do this and post it here:

the friend who lives nearest to you
-> Bernie frm my council, just a few floor above me..

the friend you've known longest
-> Weiling and Mei Yi whom I've known for abt 10 yrs now.

the friend who was your enemy before-
-> Elicia..yes..I have decided to forgive her and start anew. :D

the friend you usually go shopping with
-> nowadays? Amanda, since no one else is as free as her and whose parents allow as much freedom as her..

the friend you go clubbing with
-> I dun go clubbg, I'm underaged rite?

the friend you usually tell your problems to
-> couple of ppl..cartan, mei yi, si hui, amanda, sumtimes pat..

the friend you usually meet for meals
-> myself? haha..

the friend you sing with
-> erm..cartan..and obviously Pat and the other church ppl like Judy, Joycelyn, Yi Hui etc.. since we're in the same church

the friend you last met
-> the church ppl?

the friend you last talked to
-> erm..online can? that would be XV

the friend you last talked to on the phone
-> Been smsing nowadays, the last person to call me was Yi Hui..

the friend you last smsed
-> Amanda

the friend you hugged
-> last hugged? erm...dunno...i guess pat...

the friend you last went out with
-> Amanda

the friend you last cried with
-> myself, haha

the friend you last said sorry to
-> err...Ya Yin...

the friend you are thinking of right now
-> many many ppl....

the friend you can't wait to see
-> all my friends...well...most of my friends...

the friend whose presence you dearly miss
-> Pat..miss bullying her..

warh..sure kills time, I took about 20 minutes to do this plus all the trips to the kitchen to get food without my parents seeing me sneaking into the kitchen too often, haha..

Haiz...I'm still BORED...

- #67

Today's service rocks!Haha..Pastor Ken Teo's an excellent speaker! And the songs we sang were really nice too...

Today's service centers on attracting people. People in general that is. And it centers on being a contagious person through love. Yup...lots of really good reasons to give your love and such...think it's really really meaningful, haiz...wish BP could come for today's service...it'll really benefit her..

Charmaine gave me this note..I'm quite surprise that she would give me a...letter...guess I should return her one..

Hmm..wow...I feel like...such a new person...haha...Guess people will see some changes in me...within a week too! Wow...talk about habits changing fast huh? But what I'm concern now is...will the me that has changed be the real me?

Hmm...no wait! Don't compare! Don't compare and start getting paranoid...jeez..man I think too much..

Yup, I think too much...and when I think too much, I get upset...When I get upset, I get paranoid...when I get paranoid, I sit down and think and think and think...and when I think too much, I get upset, when I get upset, I get paranoid and when I get paranoid, I sit down and think and think and think...it's a damn vicious cycle...Hence...Moral of the story : Don't think. Follow Nike's motto - Just do it!..

Heh...had a whole jug of barley and a bar of hershley's chocolate, haha..result: Sugar high.

*Arhem* Anyway...the biggest message that impacted me a lot, as in A LOT is this: Our life is worth living because of relationships. Haha...yup, so you know when you're feeling down and under and is standing "six feet from the edge" and "thinking that maybe six feet ain't so far down" , just rmb this line yarh?

And if you hate yourself, Jesus says, "Don't mock my creation." Yupyup...don't hate yourself, you are a unique and beautiful individual created by God and he is the perfect being, in other words, never made a mistake before so in case you think God must have made a mistake in creating you, think again yarh? But don't think too hard...if not you'll end up in the vicious cycle like poor lil moi...

I'm thinking...no!I'm considering...erm...wait...isn't that the same as thinking?!

Whatever.

Anyway...I'm saying, what ministry should I enter? Honestly, I don't really like any of it...Dance, Drama, Ushering, W&P, Greeters or whatever or Cell...I mean, what do you do in them? Maybe Cell might suit me but...think I've yet to learn more since I've only been here for about a month..

I WANT THE BOOK!!!It's gonna be under me wishlist, haha! Hmm...I'm gonna create a wishlist after this..and I realize that there really is no point in putting a tag board cos no one's gonna write on it...damn it, the headache's kicking in..

- #67

Went out with TQ today..haha...had to keep pulling down my skirt cos it kept riding up my waist...I realize that I was putting on weight..honestly..that showed that I have to excercise more...haiz..

Can you believe it??Ting Ting added me into Friendster!!Wow...guess she didn't change at all, haha..still short, same adorable features...I never knew I would see her again after I left BNPS at Primary 3...wow..seriously wow...Can't wait to talk to her..I guess what I really want is the ppl of BNPS from my class to reunite...I've seen Adam, Weiling, Joanne, this guy whose name I have forgotten but we knew each other since k2, Jackson and now Ting Ting...BNPS ppl of class 1993,1994,1995 (pri 1,2,3), miss you ppl a lot...wish I can meet you all again one day..just look at how we've grown, haha!

Brings back lots of memories...like Ms Chia who answers our letters to her...Mr Chen (the chinese teacher) who used to beat boys' hands with a ruler when they were naughty, he even broke a ruler when beating this boy..haha..Ms Goh, a really nice form teacher who cares a lot for her class but who reminds me of Ms Wendy, haha...haiz...I miss BNPS a lot...What happens if I didn't transfer to SAC at Pri 4?

Anyway, went to Suntec City, and TQ was telling me about me being some guy's ideal wife : gentle, decent, and want to marry at 30...who wants to marry at 30? Ok, maybe some, but I don't. Don't even want to marry at all...I'll just stick myself in a church and pray for peace daily...Anyway it was pretty boring there, so we went to Esplanade and watched this...this...show..called "Mabelline (?), the Fashion..." something something...Kinda...traumatizing since the doll had a...man's face..>.< Still, it was so cute! Yup! Ugly but adorable, haha... The kids there were pretty noisy and so damn annoying! That's it! I'm so not going to have kids, how am I to stand their extremely annoying behaviour??

Trying not to swear here...but it's hard not to do so since I have somehow grown into what most people did not expect me to be: vulgar.

Haha...ok, I'm not that vulgar...maybe I am...since I do say the F word and other four letter words and stuff like that...

Anyway..yup...we went to Robinsons and I bought a pair of dangling earrings...damn nice...but it took me some time to realize that I put them on the wrong way, haha...hmm..guess I have a new nickname: Bimbo.

I shouldn't degrade myself like that...but anyway we met Cartan at Pasir Ris MRT station and she looks really like a mother...cos she dresses maturely, as in not her age..haha...that ain't an insult, just a comment mind u...haha! Damn HAPPY~! Haha! Yup! I said the sinner's prayer ( is it?)with Jeanette (?) leading and established me relationship with God! Yup! Haha! Wow...never knew I would actually be so proud to be a christian and proclaim my faith so publicly...but how time changes one...Aunt Linda or something like that said "Welcome to the family" to me when I got out of Grace Chapel after the prayer and haha, I was so happy, I was just beaming...Pastor Joyce went around telling Yi Hui and Joycelyn that I said the prayer and she was damn happy too, said she'll look out for me tomorrow, haha..hmm..never felt this comfortable in any church before..yup..and what's with ppl saying I look like a sec 2 girl? Charmaine said that and Pastor Joyce thought so too..I guess it's better than some ppl who thought that I was a primary 3 kid...geez..Back to the topic...

Youth Alpha today just rocks!It was about who Jesus is and whether he is real (He is very real..in fact it is written in history books with more evidences that he is real than Napolean, he fulfilled 300 more prophecies which was made 450 yrs before he was born and after he was ressurrected, more than 550 ppl, non-believers included claimed to have seen him and 2000 yrs after his death, about a third (?) of the world's population believed in him, talk about influence huh?)..Haha..Pastor Joyce came to speak to our group since we had nothing to do then after that, I decided I want to be a Christian..kinda like a pretty rash decision but I really do want to be one.

Got home at abt 10 pm and my mum kinda like interrogated me abt church today but after my..erm...chattering and blabbering of what I have learned today, I guess she's assured that I wasn't going to some cult...hmm..wonder has grandma been praying that I will be a christian like she does to my currently free-thinker dad for abt 50 years now?

Haha...Beel's going to have a performance at Suntec tml...I think...haha, well gd luck girl...u have the potential to excel though I dun think u can see it, haha...

Hmm...wow...it's like 12.30am now...0o

- #67

Woah..it took me a pretty long time to get this blog right...and by the time I finished, my eyes were already red and it's only morning!

Whatever...

Anyway, an extra thanks to Beelzey who tolerated my constant cries for help cos I just suck at htmls...without her, don't think this blog is actually here...

Haha...thx ppl, shall rmb how to upload a blog...if I can actually rmb with all the study notes and stuff like tt...

- #67

Yoz! Haha..my first post here...

Firstly, gotta thank the ppl that helped me: Cartan and Si Hui

Cartan: Thanks for helping me choose a template
Si HUi: Thanks for helping me in the htmls..I totally suck at them...

Anyway...hard to find a template that is totally me..so this is the only template that is as close to myself as possible. Though...don't get the wrong idea yarh?

Jeez...it's like 12.30 am now...and I still have to go out tomorrow...

- #67